Leaving the Past Behind
by MyGoldenGlow
Summary: He doesn't have all of the answers, and he hates playing "What if?"   Spoilers for 1.07 Communication Breakdown.


**I've been mysteriously absent from fanfiction for a while, but I have finally stopped reading and started writing :). I forgot how terrifying it is to post a story and wait to see what people have to say - hope you like it! Be nice? :)**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Covert Affairs, so I could watch the entire season now :)**

**Spoilers: 1.07 Communication Breakdown**

**Enjoy!  
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The telltale sound of clicking heels heralded her arrival, and the scent of grapefruit tickled his nose when the door opened.

"Annie! What a nice surprise," he smiled brightly and waited for her typical morning greeting, but it never came. "Annie? What's wrong?"

He could almost hear her frowning, before very softly shutting the door and asking in a voice he was pretty sure he'd only heard her use on frightened victims, "Auggie, can I ask you something?"

He was tempted to respond with a joke, anything to lighten the atmosphere, but it didn't seem appropriate with her heavy tone. Annie didn't hesitate to talk to him, not normally. "Sure, anything, you know that."

"If…If those men hadn't attacked you, and we hadn't been on the train to stop you…would you…would…would we be looking for a new tech guy?"

The fear in her voice at his possible answer made her sound like a scared child, and, for a second, he was ready to lie to her, to tell her that of course not, of course he would have stayed, of course he wouldn't let his emotions get the better of him. But they had a relationship built on telling the truth, to each other if to no one else, and the lie hung heavy on his tongue, weighing it down. He tried to find a way to explain the complicated emotions he'd been feeling, standing there at the opening, two lifelines stretching before him. The comfort and familiarity against the thrilling and unknown.

And, in the end, he'd been so set to go with her. So ready, so prepared. It was simple, really, jumping off a train. She was there, ready and waiting to catch him and take him with her, all around the globe, him and her against the world. Just like old times. But there was that fear. That terror of leaving behind everything he had stood for, everything he had sacrificed for, and it locked his arms and legs until they couldn't move, even when he wanted them to. And he knew that time was running out and he could practically see her resigned but expectant expression and oh, how badly he wanted to prove her wrong – but his body just wouldn't obey. And the train sped up, and the moment was lost, and it wasn't choice so much as inevitability.

And if Annie hadn't been waiting outside, the fear and concern in her voice overwhelming him, he might have stayed on the train, and taken it all the way into Canada, if only to get away for a while from the craziness and the protocols and the bureaucracy. But there was nothing for him in Canada, and he realized with a heavy heart as Annie gloated about how loyal and patriotic she knew he was, that he had no choice from the beginning. Because what could Natasha offer him besides a constant voice in his head saying _This is what you lost. _

It never would have worked, and the rational side of his brain knew it, but he really had wanted to jump. That part of him that years ago had been staring into the eyes of a stunningly beautiful woman and memorizing her smile wanted to follow her. Like he could find that part of himself again – stuck trying to relive the past because it was easier to remember the face of someone he knew then to create the face of the hundreds that he didn't. Fear of never knowing what his best friend looked like made him turn to the familiarity of Natasha, but it was like walking around without his cane in an effort to pretend he could see – it only led to disaster. This would always be his life. He would always be the ex-operative who was blinded in Iraq. He would always be the guy behind the desk. Being that guy with Natasha was only a reminder of what he had lost. Being that guy with the CIA was a reminder of everything he could still do.

Annie's small sigh brought him back to the present sharply. He opened his mouth to break the silence, still unsure of what he was going to say, but she stopped him with a soft, "I guess that's my answer."

"Annie, I – "

He could hear the tears she was pushing back, and it was killing him to know that there was nothing he could do to comfort her.

"Forget it. It's fine. I mean, she's beautiful right? And you two had a thing, ages ago. I can totally see why you'd want to rekindle that relationship." He knew she stopped talking only to keep from crying, but he could hear her uneven breathing and choked, quiet sobs anyway.

He knew what he was about to say was low, but it needed saying to clear the air. "And if Mr. Left-a-Post-it-Note-in-the-Middle-of-the-Night came back today and told you he'd spend the rest of his life with you if you left the CIA what, you would dutifully turn your back and keep working? Yeah, I entertained the _possibility_ of a future with Natasha! And, and I don't know what I would have chosen if it had gone differently. But it didn't. I'm here now, and we can't be dwelling on what ifs and suppose thats."

Her silence told him he might have overstepped his bounds, and it was a tense few moments of deep thinking before a soft voice said, "It wasn't a post it note, Mr. I-watch-too-many-episodes-of-Sex-and-the-City."

He sighed in relief, terrified that he'd alienated her with his attempt to make her understand exactly what he'd been feeling on that train, when he didn't even fully understand it. "Look, Annie. I just…I…"

"Would you really have left without saying goodbye?"

"I said goodbye!" he protested, sitting up angrily, furious at her assumption that he would abandon her like that, that he would abandon everyone.

"Yeah? When?"

"There was an e-mail, set to be sent if I didn't shut it down in a week."

"An e-mail. Seriously? I trust my life to you every day, and you were going to send me an e-mail?" Annie sounded even more disgusted with the thought of his sending an e-mail than his leaving.

"Yeah, well. I was going to call, but then you'd probably have convinced me to stay. Or traced the call. Something equally determined and frustrating."

"I wish you would have called. Then this whole nightmare would never have been in the first place." She paused, and then said, almost under her breath, "If I'd been there, I wouldn't have stayed on the train."

"What?"

"Nothing," she sighed and wrapped her arms around him tightly. "I'm glad you're here, Auggie. Even if you aren't."

"I'm…" he wanted to say glad to be here too, but he wasn't entirely sure he was. He wasn't sorry, per se, but he wasn't glad. "…here."

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